Goodbyes

I have been counting down the days and watching them disappear past, pondering a September, 13 years ago. Sliding on Old Aberdeen cobbles, I remember arriving on September 18th on the bus with my suitcase and being met by the oh-so-kind Ruth Strachan and her boyfriend. I remember the first night of unpacking in Halls, the over starched sheets on the bed, and the feeling of disorientation. I set up an email account for the first time in my life and successfully sent an email to my parents in India.  I remember the first exploring and wandering around, trekking the length of Union Street in search of Barclays Bank. I found Radio 4 with my brand new never owned before DVD player and tuned in marvelling at the clear reception. No static here.

I thought it was very cold. Someone told me rather cuttingly it was mild. And of course it did get much colder and darker. Welcome to the winter. I would come out of lectures at Marischal College at 5 pm to pitch darkness - and the icy walk back to Hillhead.

And the new year rolled around, and I watched the first Spring come and tracked back a year to Hebron and familiarity. I felt things unbend as the sun came out with the daffadils and relaxed as the world got warmer and felt less foreign.

Now it is September again and I am finally leaving. Sad and happy. Excited and apprehensive. Looking forward and looking back. Goodbyes are strangely clumsy things. Awkwardness and smiles and tears spilling out. Last time at church, last time to speak so easily to this friend, last time to spend time with a family.

But the best friend, the closest friend, the "One that sticks closer than a brother" goes with me and consequently all that is most important does too - all friendships that are bound up in or because of this one friend and so I am not so bereft. And He was here too 13 years ago going ahead of me.

Like the great deep.

I made a promise last week that every evening I would take a picture of the sea out of my bedroom window less I forget - that I could wake up to the gleeming blue, or grey, or sun reflecting on water, so bright shinning white. And the sky. Palest northern blue, scattered clouds and so wide and high, who can take it all in?

My flat is sold - oh-so-quick - but who could not admire my room with a view?
I have sat in my home this weekend,  and felt the peace it is offered, green grass out the front, blue sea and enormous sky at the back and pondered the goodness and provision of God.

For it is not just the taking off my hands so fast but the letting go of the familiar. I feel brave and adventurous. A year ago, I did not want to leave my home, or my friends or the familiarity and knowledge of 13 years in Aberdeen. However now I am sorting, and throwing out, and packing and I have let go.

In three months I will move to a room at Woodend Staff Home, and then in 4 months down to my yet to be rented flat. But I feel brave and adventurous and I can look forward and not back. I know God will take care of me and help me. New friends, new city, new church, new home, new job. God's love and God Himself, is so big, so beyond comprehension, far larger than the ocean out of the window or the endless sky and so his faithfulness is too.

Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens,
    your faithfulness to the skies.
Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,
    your justice like the great deep. 
You, Lord, preserve both people and animals.
How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
    People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
They feast on the abundance of your house;
    you give them drink from your river of delights. 
 For with you is the fountain of life;
    in your light we see light.

Psalm 36 vs 5-9 (NIV)

In which I am currently....

Reading Love Letters from Cell 92 by Dietrich Bonhoeffer and Maria Von Wedemeyer. I like ordinary homely details, what he is reading, whom she visited, what he is learning from his Bible reading and all in the midst of the bleakness of prison. Love, waiting love at it's most acute.


Eating brown toast and honey. Or was for breakfast.



Drinking tea. Obviously.



Wearing black trousers, peasant style blouse from Sainburies (blue and red patterns), and black cardigan.


Feeling hopeful. Because of different new things that might happen/are happening.



Weather is surprisingly mild. Bulbs are beginning to poke their heads out which fills me with spring-anticipation.


Wanting - well - many answers to this one. I have applied for a job, waiting to hear about short listing and then interviews would be the 1st March. But I would really like to get it. Please.


Needing - again many replies. However I really need to de-junk my flat. The proportions of this task are a little over-whelming but I suspect I need to isolate certain areas (this box, this cupboard, this drawer) and just focus on it for an evening or weekend afternoon.


Thinking about quiet time (and bible reading) quality. And not really having it or doing it. Early it needs to be, and of course with tea. But more than that I need soul feeding. After all, few things are needed and they tend to be the most important.


Enjoying NIGELLA!! I ordered all of the Nigella TV programmes on DVD from Amazon. I love her enjoyment of cooking and food and somehow I am picking it up when my motivation for cooking for one is at a low ebb. So I am enjoying preparing a meal (however humble) in my kitchen and eating it.


Looking forward to an International Palliative Care course at Edinburgh University for the whole of next week and a long weekend in Birmingham with friends.

Thank you Sarah Bessey at http://www.emergingmummy.com/ for this idea and giving me permission to use it.

Of Etsy rings, old books and a thousand thanks in the making.

13. Newly minted in the morning autumn colours.

14. Feeling the sun's warmth on a November day.
15. Walks and talks with a good friend and pizza.

16. Beautiful etsy ring in the post.

17. Even more beautiful old book from a dear friend's online antique bookstore.

18. Excitement about the Old Testament after a theology class.

19. How theology leaves to hunger for more and praise.

20. Rushing rushing river and elusive far away (surprised by) joy.

21. Hope and comfort for the grieving.

22. News from a far off land like a drink of cold water.

23. Red pink petals of a rose.

24. "Brown paper packages tied up with string....these are a few of my favourite things" and thanksgiving things too.

25. Shabbat Shalom.

One Thousand Gifts: Beginning the Count.

1. Audio book lifting the heart, drying the tears.
2. Starting to plot Christmas presents.
3. A new haircut.
4. Dank and damp night, but clouds blown across the shining moon.
5. Grocery shopping and planning a week of meals.
6. Antibiotics that kill the earache.
7. The plumber fixing the toilet flush for nothing.
8. Finding happiness and hope in the midst of disappointment.
9. Jaffa cakes and tea drunk at the desk at work.
10. Finding that I can write, that I can find the words.
11. Finding joy in meeting a friend's need and so moving away from self-pity.
12. A hot bath.

So I start to thank and count my thanks. For God is good, and I remember that, when I thank him for the gifts.

Remember to say Thank You.

They are trailing in happy profusion on my dining room table. White. Purple. Green. Small and pretty. Striking out. Dancing fronds. Glass vase holding them all together with water to keep them happy.

Together they say thank you. Together they make me say: "Thank you Lord- I did it. But only because you were with me helping me".

My goodbye-to-being-a-GP registrar-hello-to-being-a-GP flowers. I am on holiday at the moment but worked my last day at my training practice on Tuesday. In about 10 days, I start my new job as an Academic GP Fellow working for Aberdeen University- which consists of 4 days research and one day of GP in each week. And I am happy about it.

And I am thankful. Hopeful of the future but not because of some great success or ability on my part but because God was with me and is still with me. With me, when I complained to him that he wasn't with me, with me when I failed exams, with me when I was sick, with me when things were going well.

So these beautiful flowers say to me "Remember to say thank you".