The ache had all but gone. I had passed it off as unreasonable hope many years ago. This deferred hope and longing. But it was no longer deferred as much as unreachable and impossible. King Solomon himself said :- "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." And my heart had been sick with it, but had healed, without the longing immediately fulfilled. Now we are visited in our relative dotage with this "tree of life" indeed, surprised by hope and joy.
It has been a strange few months and of course Zechariah cannot speak, so the joy is pressed down and is truly "unspeakable". A consequence of unbelief. How guilty I had been of that myself. Doubts and un-met needs. Other people's children swirled around me in life and in my dreams. Chattering. Unfettered smiles and hearts. How fettered my heart had been with envy and grief. For childlessness is a grieving. A loss. We imagine them. A little girl, like me. Like I was, with a cheeky smile, and drifting soft brown curls. We give them names. Our children that never live have names. Hannah. Of course I would of named her Hannah. My alter ego of tears and grief and barrenness.
This is our story though of "How blessed am I..." Zechariah had been chosen on that day to go into the Holy of Holies in the Temple. Never before, but on this day, his name had come up, drawn by lot. They had tied the rope around his ankle in case he was struck dead in that terrible Holy of Holies. I had stood outside unsuspecting of what was going to come. He took longer that he ought and a secret dread and fear had crept into my heart. Would we hauling him out? My thoughts drifted to my own fear of God, the fear of not being struck dead, but a lack of goodness. Of with-holding. "No good thing does he with-hold..." And yet had I not had "good" things with-held from me...specifically running around, little, smiling, chattering "good" things.
I did not have much longer to wait for he emerged, pale and tired looking....and struck entirely dumb. Others around concluded he had seen some sort of vision. He had more duties for a period of time at the Temple and so could not immediately come home. I am still uncertain as to what actually took place and all that was said, and more importantly, it's significance. But it is significant. A much deeper purpose than our desire for children.
And so in the this new season, I am waiting. Suprised by new life, surprised by sickness in the morning. Surprised by the answer to this old-new begging aching pleading prayer. We are to call him John. Zechariah has told me this through writing it down. John who will be a joy, a delight, for whom many will rejoice. John who will turn people's hearts back to the Lord, who will prepare a way. In our hearts we sence preparation for Someone and Something else. Mary is coming to visit also from Nazareth. My deeply contained building excitment and wonder can be shared with this dearest cousin. God's goodness is a mysterious thing, hidden and not always obvious in it's purposes. I cannot peel back the cover but it is real. Real and sure. So I wait. Wait for family to visit, wait for this life to grow, wait for this Tree of Life, wait for a Coming.
1. Proverbs 13:12
2. Psalm 84:11
3. Luke ch 1:1-38
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Friday, 2 December 2011
Unless
My Lord, I did not choose You,
For that could never be;
My heart would still refuse You,
Had You not chosen me.
You took the sin that stained me,
You cleansed me, made me new;
Of old You have ordained me,
That I should live in You.
Unless Your grace had called me
And taught my op’ning mind,
The world would have enthralled me,
To heav’nly glories blind.
My heart knows none above You;
For Your rich grace I thirst;
I know that if I love You,
You must have loved me first.
Josiah Conder (1789-1855)
For that could never be;
My heart would still refuse You,
Had You not chosen me.
You took the sin that stained me,
You cleansed me, made me new;
Of old You have ordained me,
That I should live in You.
Unless Your grace had called me
And taught my op’ning mind,
The world would have enthralled me,
To heav’nly glories blind.
My heart knows none above You;
For Your rich grace I thirst;
I know that if I love You,
You must have loved me first.
Josiah Conder (1789-1855)
Sunday, 6 November 2011
Of Etsy rings, old books and a thousand thanks in the making.
13. Newly minted in the morning autumn colours.
14. Feeling the sun's warmth on a November day.
15. Walks and talks with a good friend and pizza.
15. Walks and talks with a good friend and pizza.
16. Beautiful etsy ring in the post.
17. Even more beautiful old book from a dear friend's online antique bookstore.
18. Excitement about the Old Testament after a theology class.
19. How theology leaves to hunger for more and praise.
20. Rushing rushing river and elusive far away (surprised by) joy.
21. Hope and comfort for the grieving.
22. News from a far off land like a drink of cold water.
23. Red pink petals of a rose.
24. "Brown paper packages ti
ed up with string....these are a few of my favourite things" and thanksgiving things too.
ed up with string....these are a few of my favourite things" and thanksgiving things too. 25. Shabbat Shalom.
Friday, 4 November 2011
One Thousand Gifts: Beginning the Count.
1. Audio book lifting the heart, drying the tears.
2. Starting to plot Christmas presents.
3. A new haircut.
4. Dank and damp night, but clouds blown across the shining moon.
5. Grocery shopping and planning a week of meals.
6. Antibiotics that kill the earache.
7. The plumber fixing the toilet flush for nothing.
8. Finding happiness and hope in the midst of disappointment.
9. Jaffa cakes and tea drunk at the desk at work.
10. Finding that I can write, that I can find the words.
11. Finding joy in meeting a friend's need and so moving away from self-pity.
12. A hot bath.
So I start to thank and count my thanks. For God is good, and I remember that, when I thank him for the gifts.
2. Starting to plot Christmas presents.
3. A new haircut.
4. Dank and damp night, but clouds blown across the shining moon.
5. Grocery shopping and planning a week of meals.
6. Antibiotics that kill the earache.
7. The plumber fixing the toilet flush for nothing.
8. Finding happiness and hope in the midst of disappointment.
9. Jaffa cakes and tea drunk at the desk at work.
10. Finding that I can write, that I can find the words.
11. Finding joy in meeting a friend's need and so moving away from self-pity.
12. A hot bath.
So I start to thank and count my thanks. For God is good, and I remember that, when I thank him for the gifts.
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
The tale of two lost rings and grace.
One ring has a pale blue stone with twisted cross-over type setting. It is pale gold (nine carat). The other ring is silver with etchings around the rim. One is from a Fair Trade shop and the other from a Jewellers.I wore the aqua ring to work about a month ago, and took it off briefly and put it in my pocket. It must of fallen out. It was one of those days where I had tramped through the hospital (next to the medical school) to buy bits and pieces from the hospital shop. So without speaking to anyone in the department, I frantically re-traced my steps and in the end spoke to hospital security and reported it missing. By this point I had given up on finding it. Rather down-hearted I returned to the Medical School, and thought on the spur of the moment to check with one of the secretaries that no-one had found it. I should of done this at the beginning of my quest to find my ring because it turned out that someone had found it, handed it in and an email had been sent around reporting that a ring had been found. So I got my ring back. It was lost but then later found.
You would think I would of learnt my lesson, but a few weeks later, I wore the silver ring except this time to the GP practice where I work. I had a busy day and was one of the last to leave at 7:30 pm. Before leaving I was running around tidying up and packing up my doctor's bag. In the car driving home, I suddenly realised that my ring was no longer on the my finger. Not as expensive as the other one but with more sentimental value I felt the disappointment. I emailed the practice the next day who looked in the places where I thought it might of fallen off and put up notices. But no-one had found it. The following week, I was duty doctor and visiting a patient at home and pulling equipment out of my doctor's bag. Buried under everything right at the bottom of the bag, I spotted a silver ring. I had found it! What a feeling of sudden relief and happiness.
So I have lost two rings in the space of about 4 weeks and found both of them. I was pondering how "lost" I can become, because of sin, weariness and distractions and how persistent God is at finding me and setting me back on the right track. Or when I see my "lostness" and run home in tears how wide are the open arms and how willing to draw me back. And how are innumerable are the fresh new starts that are to be had.
"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound!
That saved a wretch like me
I was lost, but now am found
Was blind but now I see"
John Newton
"Then Jesus told them this parable: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.
“Or suppose a woman has te
n silver coins and loses one. Doesn’t she light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.’ In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”" So he got up and went to his Father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him....
'My son', the father said, 'you are always with me and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead but now is alive, he was lost but now is found.'"
Luke 15: 3-10, 20, 31
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
Writing and studying routines: CS Lewis
"I would choose always to breakfast at exactly eight and to be at my desk by nine, there to read or write till one. If a cup of good tea or coffee could be brought me about eleven, so much the better.
As step or two out of doors for a pint of beer would not do quite so well; for a man does not want to drink alone and if you meet a friend in the taproom the break is likely to be extended beyond its ten minutes.
At one precisely lunch should be on the table; and by two at the latest I would be on the road. Not, except at rare intervals, with a friend. Walking and talking are two very great pleasures, but it is a mistake to combine them. Our own noise blots out the sounds and silences of the outdoor world; and talking leads almost inevitably to smoking, and then farewell to nature as far as one of our senses is concerned. The only friend to walk with is one who so exactly shares your taste for each mood of the countryside that a glance, a halt, or at most a nudge, is enough to assure us that the pleasure is shared.
The return from the walk, and the arrival of tea, should be exactly coincident, and not later than a quarter past four. Tea should be taken in solitude, …for eating and reading are two pleasures that combine admirably. Of course not all books are suitable for mealtime reading. It would be a kind of blasphemy to read poetry at table. What one wants is a gossipy, formless book which can be opened anywhere…
At five a man should be at work again, and at it till seven. Then, at the evening meal and after, comes the time for talk, or, failing that, for lighter reading; and unless you are making a night of it with your cronies there is no reason why you should ever be in bed later than eleven."
Surprised by Joy, CS Lewis.
I first read Surprised by Joy when I was a teenager and this was one of my favourite passages. The comfort of routine and the pleasure of reading, writing, walking in the countryside and tea drinking. But he also later makes the point that there is a selfishness to such a routine that excludes others. However, there is a security in regularly doing something in a disciplined way but our lives need to be shaped by other priorities at the same time. Priorities that involve making time for people.
As step or two out of doors for a pint of beer would not do quite so well; for a man does not want to drink alone and if you meet a friend in the taproom the break is likely to be extended beyond its ten minutes.
At one precisely lunch should be on the table; and by two at the latest I would be on the road. Not, except at rare intervals, with a friend. Walking and talking are two very great pleasures, but it is a mistake to combine them. Our own noise blots out the sounds and silences of the outdoor world; and talking leads almost inevitably to smoking, and then farewell to nature as far as one of our senses is concerned. The only friend to walk with is one who so exactly shares your taste for each mood of the countryside that a glance, a halt, or at most a nudge, is enough to assure us that the pleasure is shared.
The return from the walk, and the arrival of tea, should be exactly coincident, and not later than a quarter past four. Tea should be taken in solitude, …for eating and reading are two pleasures that combine admirably. Of course not all books are suitable for mealtime reading. It would be a kind of blasphemy to read poetry at table. What one wants is a gossipy, formless book which can be opened anywhere…
At five a man should be at work again, and at it till seven. Then, at the evening meal and after, comes the time for talk, or, failing that, for lighter reading; and unless you are making a night of it with your cronies there is no reason why you should ever be in bed later than eleven."
Surprised by Joy, CS Lewis.
I first read Surprised by Joy when I was a teenager and this was one of my favourite passages. The comfort of routine and the pleasure of reading, writing, walking in the countryside and tea drinking. But he also later makes the point that there is a selfishness to such a routine that excludes others. However, there is a security in regularly doing something in a disciplined way but our lives need to be shaped by other priorities at the same time. Priorities that involve making time for people.
Friday, 28 October 2011
A Passion for Friendship..... and Spinsterishness.
Written for YLCF "A Peek into your Passion with a Purpose" Carnival. (http://www.ylcf.org/)
I do think "passion" and "passionate" are strange words. They are words I never use in real life. Perhaps it is English reserve and under-statedness- a wish to not exaggerate an interest or a reflection of a more sanguine personality. So I won't be using the word over much. I am "passionate" about different things; good books, old books, chalet school books, Radio 4, old fashioned General Practice (read The Citadel by A.J. Cronin), good films, costume dramas, primary care research, teaching. I know that I ought to be more "passionate" (oh- one more time) about following Jesus, studying my Bible and serving him. But these good things and interests, that I have mentioned are not separate from following Him, but all woven in and precious gifts from a loving Father, because all of our lives, the mundane and the fascinating is "in Christ" if we are "in Him".
However- to get to the point - what is my "passion"? There is a back story....
Five years ago I moved into my current accommodation which is a two bedroom flat in a block of flats. Upstairs from me, lived an Algerian lady married to a Scottish man with there two girls. They are Muslims. Gradually over the next two years I became friends with Fatiha, babysat Leena and Noor, started the Matilda club. In the month of Ramadan, three years ago now, she introduced me to her friends; Khadija, another Khadija, Reem, Cheharazed, Faiza, Aida, Wouroud. I read books, thinking about my friendship with these ladies (who are mostly from North Africa) and how I might be a better friend. And I share my life. We talk, and laugh, drink mint tea, and I have tryed sporadically to learn Arabic.
The other aspect of this, that I have pondered, is there is one particular thing in my situation that allows and affords time for friendships. I am single. Something that can seem invigorating, full of opportunities to be devoted to God and full of interests and time to pursue them. I appreciate the "spinsterishness" of Jane Austen and Miss Potter. I admire single missionaries ladies with all my heart.
The other side of this is, of course, that I also long to get married and have a family of my own. And sometimes (especially this past weekend when over-tired and recovering from illness) this can weigh so heavy that it can blot out the good things and blessings of singleness.
So this thought has begun to crystallise in my mind these past months that time is short and precious. I need to enjoy God and the life he has given me. Right now. I pray for a godly husband almost daily but I must also must remember to pray, that I will not waste any of the blessings God has given me.
I read a new Christian book on the topic of singleness this past summer. Carolyn Leutwiler (aspiring Opera singer and administrative coordinator for Children's Ministries at Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City) has written a book published in 2008 called Singleness Redefined: Living Life to the Fullest. This is an excellent book, but one quotation within it struck me particularly.
"Sometimes life is very hard to understand and I don't believe we are meant to understand all of it or there would be no call for faith....[But] seize every moment you have and use every gift you have to love God and love your family, neighbours and friends while you can. There is no guarantee of tomorrow. Yet it is so easy to let the little,urgent yet petty details of our lives take over. We are lulled into a false sense of security that everyone and everything will be there tomorrow...Once I heard it said that life is what happens while we are making other plans. Please don't let the really important people, priorities and relationships wait in your life. Enjoy every beautiful moment that God blesses you with and praise him for it."
(letter from Phyllis Golden) page 125 Singleness Redefined:Living Life to the Fullest by Carolyn Leutwiler (2008).
Much treasure is found in "enjoying God and worshipping him forever" whether in spinsterish circumstances or not. God is full of surprising blessings and blessed surprises. May we thank him for them all.
I do think "passion" and "passionate" are strange words. They are words I never use in real life. Perhaps it is English reserve and under-statedness- a wish to not exaggerate an interest or a reflection of a more sanguine personality. So I won't be using the word over much. I am "passionate" about different things; good books, old books, chalet school books, Radio 4, old fashioned General Practice (read The Citadel by A.J. Cronin), good films, costume dramas, primary care research, teaching. I know that I ought to be more "passionate" (oh- one more time) about following Jesus, studying my Bible and serving him. But these good things and interests, that I have mentioned are not separate from following Him, but all woven in and precious gifts from a loving Father, because all of our lives, the mundane and the fascinating is "in Christ" if we are "in Him".
However- to get to the point - what is my "passion"? There is a back story....
Five years ago I moved into my current accommodation which is a two bedroom flat in a block of flats. Upstairs from me, lived an Algerian lady married to a Scottish man with there two girls. They are Muslims. Gradually over the next two years I became friends with Fatiha, babysat Leena and Noor, started the Matilda club. In the month of Ramadan, three years ago now, she introduced me to her friends; Khadija, another Khadija, Reem, Cheharazed, Faiza, Aida, Wouroud. I read books, thinking about my friendship with these ladies (who are mostly from North Africa) and how I might be a better friend. And I share my life. We talk, and laugh, drink mint tea, and I have tryed sporadically to learn Arabic.
The other aspect of this, that I have pondered, is there is one particular thing in my situation that allows and affords time for friendships. I am single. Something that can seem invigorating, full of opportunities to be devoted to God and full of interests and time to pursue them. I appreciate the "spinsterishness" of Jane Austen and Miss Potter. I admire single missionaries ladies with all my heart.
The other side of this is, of course, that I also long to get married and have a family of my own. And sometimes (especially this past weekend when over-tired and recovering from illness) this can weigh so heavy that it can blot out the good things and blessings of singleness.
So this thought has begun to crystallise in my mind these past months that time is short and precious. I need to enjoy God and the life he has given me. Right now. I pray for a godly husband almost daily but I must also must remember to pray, that I will not waste any of the blessings God has given me.
I read a new Christian book on the topic of singleness this past summer. Carolyn Leutwiler (aspiring Opera singer and administrative coordinator for Children's Ministries at Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City) has written a book published in 2008 called Singleness Redefined: Living Life to the Fullest. This is an excellent book, but one quotation within it struck me particularly.
"Sometimes life is very hard to understand and I don't believe we are meant to understand all of it or there would be no call for faith....[But] seize every moment you have and use every gift you have to love God and love your family, neighbours and friends while you can. There is no guarantee of tomorrow. Yet it is so easy to let the little,urgent yet petty details of our lives take over. We are lulled into a false sense of security that everyone and everything will be there tomorrow...Once I heard it said that life is what happens while we are making other plans. Please don't let the really important people, priorities and relationships wait in your life. Enjoy every beautiful moment that God blesses you with and praise him for it."
(letter from Phyllis Golden) page 125 Singleness Redefined:Living Life to the Fullest by Carolyn Leutwiler (2008).
Much treasure is found in "enjoying God and worshipping him forever" whether in spinsterish circumstances or not. God is full of surprising blessings and blessed surprises. May we thank him for them all.
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